Quotes - Humor
"How To Get Pregnant: 1. Donate your last piece of baby equipment to Goodwill. 2. Send your youngest child off to kindergarten with a dance of joy. 3. Start writing that novel you've always dreamed about ( or take golf lessens, join a bowling league) 4. Spend $ 500. 00 on a new wardrobe for work 5. Get a cat or a puppy. 6. Just finish all the paperwork to adopt a child. 7. Let your best friend or sister use the baby name you'd been hoping to use for your next child." |
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~ UNKNOWN |
boy: a noise with dirt on it. |
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~ NOT YOUR AVERAGE DICTIONARY |
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. |
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~ RALPH WALDO EMERSON American essayist and poet |
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. |
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~ OGDEN NASH |
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. |
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~ WINSTON CHURCHILL British politician known chiefly for his leadership of the United Kingdom during World War II. |
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. |
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~ ANONYMOUS |
A friend is like a good bra, close to your heart, hard to find and supportive. |
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~ ANONYMOUS |
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying, "Boy that was fun." |
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~ JACK MILLER |
A little madness in the spring is wholesome even for the king. |
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~ EMILY DICKINSON American poet |
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. |
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~ ROBERT ORBEN Author |
Adolescence is like cactus. |
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~ ANAIS NIN |
After a while, you have no idea how old you are because you've lied so many times. |
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~ SANDRA BULLOCK Sandra Annette Bullock, (born July 26, 1964) is a Screen Actors Guild Award-winning and two-time Golden Globe Award-nominated American-German actor. |
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. |
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~ BILLIE BURKE Mary William Ethelbert Appleton "Billie" Burke (August 7, 1884 – May 14, 1970) was an Oscar-nominated American actress primarily known to modern audiences for her role as Glinda the Good Witch of the North in the musical film The Wizard of Oz. |
All you earnest young men out to save the world... please, have a LAUGH. |
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~ REINHOLD NIEBUHR |
Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife. |
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~ DON HERROLD |
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. |
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~ LARRY LORENZONI |
Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it. |
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~ ELLA WILLIAMS Writer |
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. |
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~ PHYLLIS DILLER Golden Globe-nominated American comedienne, considered to be one of the pioneers of female stand-up comedy. |
Children are a great comfort in your old age -- and they help you reach it faster, too. |
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~ LIONEL KAUFFMAN |
Children are naughty at a certain age, and they should be, because they are full of beans, life and ginger and it has to break out in some form or other. |
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~ KRISHNA MURTI |
Courtship...a man pursuing a woman until she catches him. |
Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it. |
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~ MARSHALL MCLUHAN |
Dorothy Hollingsworth: Age is just a state of mind. Blanche Devereaux: Tell that to my thighs. |
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~ THE GOLDEN GIRLS |
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. |
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~ OSCAR WILDE Irish playwright, poet and author of numerous short stories and one novel. |
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. |
Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space and the mother with closet space. |
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~ EVAN ESAR American humorist |
For those who understand, no explanation is needed, ...for those who don't, none will do. |
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~ JERRY LEWIS |
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. |
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~ ANONYMOUS |
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him all weekend. |
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~ ZENNA SCHAFFER Author |
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend. |
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~ ZENNA SCHAFFER Author |
Good clothes open all doors. |
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~ THOMAS FULLER Canadian architect |
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. |
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~ BILL COSBY American comedian, actor, author, television producer and activist. |
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. |
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~ EMILY DICKINSON American poet |
How pleasant is the day when we give up striving to be young -- or slender. |
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~ WILLIAM JAMES Pioneering American psychologist and philosopher, trained as a medical doctor |
Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home. |
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~ BILL COSBY American comedian, actor, author, television producer and activist. |
Humor is the shock absorber of life; it helps us take the blows. |
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~ PEGGY NOONAN Is an author of seven books on politics, religion and culture, a weekly columnist for The Wall Street Journal, and was a primary speech writer and Special Assistant to President Ronald Reagan. |
I am just too much. |
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~ BETTY DAVIS Actress |
I am not afraid... I was born to do this. |
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~ JOAN of ARC National heroine of France and Catholic Saint |
I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief. |
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~ JOYCE REBETA-BURDITT Producer, Writer |
I can't deal with cleaning up. Let's sell the house. |
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~ MARILYN LOVELL APOLLO 13 |
I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened. |
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~ MARK TWAIN Author of classic American novels |
I just want to live happily ever after, every now and then. |
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~ JIMMY BUFFETT Singer, Songwriter, Author, Businessman |
I may be a beginner at some things, but I've got a black belt in shopping! |
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~ PHYLLIS NEFLER TROOP BEVERLY HILLS |
I really do believe I can accomplish a great deal with a big grin. |
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~ BEVERLY SILLS American operatic soprano who enjoyed success in the 1960s and 1970s. |
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? |
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~ ZSA ZSA GABOR Zsa Zsa Gabor born February 6, 1917 is a Hungarian-born American actress and socialite. |
I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. |
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~ RITA RUDNER |
I was born to be a remarkable woman; it matters little in what way or how... I shall be famous or I will die. |
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~ MARIE BASHKIRTSEFF |
I will not should on myself today. |
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~ SEEN ON A POSTER |
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present. |
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~ UNKNOWN |
I've always been the opposite of a paranoid. I operate as if everyone is part of a plot to enhance my well-being. |
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~ STAN DALE |
I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. |
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~ DAVE BARRY "Things it took me 50 years to learn" |
If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own. |
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~ GOETHE German poet, novelist, playwright, and philosopher |
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? |
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~ MILTON BERLE |
If Joan of Arc could turn the tide of an entire war before her eighteenth birthday, you can get out of bed. |
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~ E. JEAN CARROLL American journalist and advice columnist |
If life gives you limes, make margaritas. |
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~ JIMMY BUFFETT Singer, Songwriter, Author, Businessman |
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. |
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~ LAWRENCE HOUSMAN |
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. |
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~ DESIDERIUS ERASMUS Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus (sometimes known as Desiderius Erasmus of Rotterdam) (October 27, 1466/1469, Rotterdam – July 12, 1536 Basel) was a Dutch Renaissance humanist and Catholic Christian theologian |
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires. |
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~ ABIGAIL VAN BUREN Adviice columnist |
If we weren't all crazy, we'd just go insane. |
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~ JIMMY BUFFETT Singer, Songwriter, Author, Businessman |
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. |
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~ ERMA BOMBECK Humorist, writer, columnist and journalist |
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. |
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~ ERMA BOMBECK Humorist, writer, columnist and journalist |
If you don't want your children to hear what you're saying, pretend you're talking to them. |
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~ ANONYMOUS |
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. |
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~ BETTY DAVIS Actress |
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. |
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~ KATHERINE HEPBURN Acclaimed actress, Hepburn holds the record for the most Best Actress Oscar wins with four, from 12 nominations. |
If you're not annoying somebody, you're not really alive. |
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~ MARGARET ATWOOD Canadian writer, poet, novelist and feminist |
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. |
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~ DICK CAVETTE |
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to meet it. |
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~ JONATHAN WINTERS Grammy award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and artist |
In a humble state, you learn better. I can't find anything else very exciting about humility, but at least there's that. |
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~ JOHN DOONER Chairman and CEO of Interpublic |
It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. |
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~ ELINOR GOULDING SMITH |
Legendary violinist Isaac Stern was once confronted by a middle-aged woman after a concert. She gushed, "Oh, I'd give my life to play like you!" "Lady," said Stern acidly, "that I did!". |
Life is too important to be taken seriously. |
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~ OSCAR WILDE Irish playwright, poet and author of numerous short stories and one novel. |
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. |
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~ RITA RUDNER |
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't STOP and look around once in a shile, you could miss it. |
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~ FERRIS |
Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen. |
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~ BENJAMIN DISRAELI British Conservative statesman and literary figure |
Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. |
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~ UNKNOWN |
Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener. |
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~ PAULINE THOMASON |
My friend has a baby, I am recording all the noises he makes so I can later ask him what he meant. |
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~ STEPHAN WRIGHT |
My life is a stroll on the beach. As near to the edge as I can go. |
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~ HENRY DAVID THOREAU American author, poet, naturalist, tax resister, developement critic, surveryor, historian, philosopher and leading transcendentalist. Best known for the novel WALDEN and his essay CIVIL DISOBEDIANCE. |
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. |
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~ ERMA BOMBECK Humorist, writer, columnist and journalist |
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. |
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~ ERMA BOMBECK Humorist, writer, columnist and journalist |
Never let an angry sister comb your hair. |
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~ PATRICIA MCCANN |
No day is so BAD it can't be fixed with a nap. |
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~ CARRIE SNOW Comedian |
Of all the animals, the boy is most unmanageable. |
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~ PLATO Classical Greek philospher, mathematician, and founder of the Academy in Athens |
Old age is fifteen years older than I am. |
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~ OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES American physician, professor, member of FIRESIDE POETS, one of the best regarded poets of the 19th century |
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. |
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~ JEWISH PROVERB |
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell. |
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~ ANONYMOUS |
Opportunity's favorite disguise is trouble. |
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~ FRANK TYGER Promotion Director of THE TIMES OF TRENTON TIMES |
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. |
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~ OGDEN NASH |
Parents: Persons who spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out, and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in. |
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~ TED COOK |
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. |
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~ CARRIE LATET |
Pregnancy is a disease from which you recover in 18 years and 9 months. |
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~ CARRIE LATET |
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. |
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~ MARK TWAIN Author of classic American novels |
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. |
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~ FRAN LEBOWITZ |
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off dessert. |
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~ ERMA BOMBECK Humorist, writer, columnist and journalist |
Sit loosely in the saddle of life. |
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~ ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON Scottish novelist, poet, essayist and travel writer |
Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life. |
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~ YIDDISH PROVERB FROM TALMUD |
So much has been said and sung of beautiful young girls, why don't somebody wake up to the beauty of old women? |
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~ HARRIETT BEECHER STOWE Author |